An Appalachian Emergency

The troublemaker is named Misty, and her friend is Mary Jo. The girls are wearing skintight, painted on, spandex shorts with a tied up top and flip-flops.

Misty pretends to complain about how the boys all stare at her which is a bit cruel because Mary Jo has trouble getting noticed. She mentions a certain boy that Mary Jo really likes but Misty always catches him staring at her butt and trying to look down her shirt. The girls bend over once in a while to pick something up off the ground.

Misty mentions being hungry and really wanting some peaches from the farm stand, but she doesn’t have any money. Mary Jo mentions picking peaches from Ole’ Granny Milford’s orchard. Misty dismisses the idea because the old crone sits on her porch all day and guards her property with a shotgun. Mary Jo informs Misty that she’s been doing that for decades and now the old woman has grown blind and deaf. Old Granny would never hear her coming and if she did she couldn’t see well enough to aim her shotgun.

The girls have a good laugh about crazy Granny Milford and Misty decides it would be a great idea to steal some peaches. Mary Jo refuses to go however, because stealing is wrong, however she gives Misty detailed plans on just how to get around the property to the peach orchard so she doesn’t get caught...but she still won’t go. Misty, confused and determined, decides to head to the house and makes the claim that she won’t be sharing any of her ill-gotten gains.

Later, Mary Jo is sitting outside her house when she hears two quick shotgun booms and a girl scream. Mary Jo ponders the sounds for a moment then shrugs her shoulders and goes back to what she was doing. A few moments later Mary Jo gets a call on her cell phone.

Mary Jo runs to Misty’s house. She goes up to the door and listens and can hear a faint groan. She knocks and cracks the door open and calls for Misty.

Mary Jo walks in to see Misty standing in the front room near a dining table, leaning forward, almost bending over, with her hands gripping tightly to the top of a chair. She is squirming her feet, legs and hips, unable to keep still. Mary Jo walks in and calls her name. Misty looks up.

Misty: She shot me, Mary Jo. She shot me right in the butt.

Mary Jo runs over to her, stops briefly and then looks around at her wriggling buns. Then she has to put a hand over her mouth to hide a smile and keep from laughing.

Mary Jo: Well you got shot alright. Right in the butt

Misty: It’s not funny, it hurts.

Mary Jo: You’re right it’s not funny. But you ain’t gonna be able to sit down for a while.

Misty: Stop it! Can’t you see I’m in pain?

Mary Jo: Yeah, you got quite a shotgun wound back here and all the pellets look like they’re in your ass.

Misty: Is it bad?

Mary Jo carefully lifts up on Misty’s shorts and pulls them down a bit. Misty is jumpy & yells as if moving her shorts is hurting her. Mary Jo at one point has to tell her to hold still.

Mary Jo: Well it don’t look good. You got about a hundred pellet holes in your backside. What happened?

Misty: I found the peach orchard just like you said. Under one of the trees there was a big ole’ fat peach on the ground. I bent down to pick it up and BAM! Right in the ass! My rear’s been killin’ me ever since.

Misty reaches back and rubs her butt.

Misty: I thought you said she was deaf and blind!

Mary Jo: Who?

Misty: Granny Milford! You told me she couldn’t hear anything and even if she did she couldn’t shoot straight.

Mary Jo: Well you did present her with one heck of a target there You’re tushy’s always attracted a lot of attention.

Misty: The wrong kind in this case.

Mary Jo: Well, you’re always flashin’ it and stickin’ it out.

Misty pauses her rubbing and wiggling to give Mary Jo a withering stare.

Misty: I never meant for it to be used for target practice. Besides I certainly never mean for an old bat like granny be eyeing me up. She shouldn’t be noticing by derriere. I sure wish she hadn’t.

Mary Jo: Hard to miss

Misty: What did you say?

Mary Jo: Nothing

Mary Jo: Anyway, you can’t blame me for getting’ shot, you should have been fine... or did I get that wrong? Was it old man Wilson who’d gone bind & deaf? Maybe that’s what it was? That would sure explain why my little brother’s been coming home with all that
candy. Ya know somethin’, I do think I got that one wrong. I don’t know where my head’s at sometimes.

Misty: Are you sayin’ that I should have lifted somethin’ to eat at the general store instead of going off to Granny Milford’s place.

Mary Jo: Yeah, ain’t that funny? Now you’re shot and I could sure go for some candy.

Misty: NO THAT’S NOT FUNNY! Instead of getting somethin’ free to eat I got an ass full of buckshot!

Mary Jo: Looks more like birdshot if ya ask me.

Mary Jo takes Misty by the hips and gets her to stick her butt out a bit so she can have a better look. She shrugs as if she is fairly sure its birdshot.

Mary Jo: Well it is a little funny. You got shot in the butt. I mean, look at that. You ain’t gonna be able to sit for a week.

Misty: I know it my butt cheeks are killin’ me, but what are we gonna do now?

Mary Jo becomes serious.

Mary Jo: I don’t know. What do you feel like doin’?

Misty: No you idiot, I’m shot Mary Jo. We can’t just leave these pellets in my ass, you gotta help me. I’m in a real lot of pain.

Mary Jo: Help you how?

Misty: You gotta help fix my backside!

Mary Jo looks confused.

Mary Jo: You want me to take you to Doc Wilbur?

Misty: No, Mary Jo, I don’t want you to take me to that old bastard, I don’t want him poking at me. Besides if you take me there the whole town will know. It’s too embarrassing. You have to do it.

Mary Jo: Do What?

Misty: Pick the lead out of my ass.

Mary Jo: Pick it out?

Misty: Well it ain’t gonna fall out by itself.

Mary Jo: oh no. I can’t do it.

Misty: You have to.

Mary Jo: Nope. Un uh. Nope. Not me.

Misty: Why not, you got me into this. My ass is killing me?

Mary Jo: Nope, but I know who can.

Misty: Who?

Mary Jo: My Aunt Patty. She’s good at this stuff. She used to talk about patching up the family after they went feudin’ up in the mountains. She’ll know what to do.

Misty: Well, alright but let’s not doddle. I need help. The fire on my back porch is just getting’ hotter.

Mary Jo: Well alright then let’s go. We’ll cut through the gully. Get a move on.

Misty begins to straighten up slowly only to get a slap on the butt by Mary Jo. Misty cups her butt cheek and stands stunned from the pain. Mary Jo winces.

Mary Jo: Oh, sorry. Kinda tender back there, huh.

Misty: OW! YES!

Mary Jo: Let me help.

Mary Jo takes Misty by the arm and away they go – Misty limping from the pain in her backside.

In the next scene Misty and Mary Jo are found walking through the back door of a new house. Both are walking quietly – Misty is hobbling from the pain in her butt.

Mary Jo: Just wait here while I find my aunt. Have a seat.

Misty: Uh, no thank you (she says as she rubbers her sore backside).

Mary Jo looks confused a moment then realized the predicament and giggles a little. Mary Jo then calls for her aunt who is a middle-aged women wearing a long dress washing the dishes in the sink.

Aunt: I’m in here girl.

The Aunt turns around wiping her hands on a towel.

Mary Jo: Hi auntie you remember my friend Misty?

Mary Jo steps back and takes Misty by the arm to bring her forward. Misty tries to make it look like she’s casually folding her arms behind her but she’s really holding onto her throbbing buns.

Aunt: I know when you two get together it’s nothing but mischief now what sort of trouble have you gotten yourselves into this time?

Both girls look innocent, and drawl out an unconvincing “Nothiiiiing”.

Mary Jo: ‘cept....

Both girls look a bit sheepish and try not to make eye contact with auntie.

Misty: Maybe we should go. I’ll be fine, let’s just go.

Mary Jo: No, you’re right, you can’t leave all those pellets in your backside, you’ll never get well, we need Aunt Patty to pull’em out.

Misty: No, honestly it ain’t that bad, I wanna go.

Aunt: Girls?

All of a sudden Mary Jo just can’t keep the news to herself. She curls her arm over her head and points at Misty.

Mary Jo: Misty got shot.

Aunt: I see. And exactly where were you shot girl?

Misty looks about too embarrassed to say.

Mary Jo: She got shot in the peach orchard.

Aunt: Excuse me?

Mary Jo: She was looking for peaches in Granny Milford’s peach orchard.

Aunt: Well the plot thickens. I thought I heard a shot gun earlier. I guess that was granny shooting at you. So I suppose then you caught some pellets from that shotgun? And just where did you catch them?

Another awkward pause as Misty squirms partly from the pain and partly because she can’t bring herself to reveal the humiliating news. Finally Mary Jo understands the question and cracks a smile. Then Mary Jo steps to the side and points at Misty’s butt as she
announces in a giddy fashion.

Mary Jo: Ole’ Granny shot her when she was bendin’ over and now she’s got a bunch of birdshot in her butt.

Aunt: Huh. Is this true?

Misty: Yes ma’am.

Mary Jo: She was stickin’ it out and Granny blasted her.

Misty punches Mary Jo in the arm to get her to stop ratting her out & laughing at her.

Aunt: Which cheek are the pellets in?

Misty: Which cheek ma’am?

Aunt: yeah, butt cheek, the right one or the left?

Misty squirms a bit rubbing both her sore buns.

Misty: Granny gave me both barrels if you get my meaning.

Aunt Patty nods affirmatively then cracks a bit of a smile.

Misty wiggles a bit more and rubs her sore buns.

Misty: Please, Aunt Patty, ya gotta help me, I feel like I got a angry hornets nest down the back of my pants.

Aunt: Well you ain’t wearin’ much for pants so we better have a look. Come on.

Aunt Patty takes Misty by the arm and guides her to a table or a kitchen island or a countertop, anywhere she can perform the surgery.

Aunt: Now, strip off them teeny tiny little shorts and bend over. Mary Jo, fetch me the whiskey and a pair of tweezers.

Misty carefully slips out of her shorts and slowly leans over the table on her elbows. She is face forward to the camera but is turned so we can she her legs and body in the same shot. Bent over she is keeping her feet together, poking her butt out and arching her back. There is a constellation of block dots peppered all over her buns. She also keeps her head up and has expression of worry with the occasional wince. While Aunt Patty looks for her glasses Misty sticks her rear end up as high as she can and looks back over her shoulder at her own butt. She can see all the pellet holes. She looks forward again with an expression that says, ‘Oh that looks bad”.

Misty: I can’t believe I got shot in the butt. Ah man my behind is killing me.

Aunt Patty slips on a pair of thick reading glasses and Mary Jo returns with the tweezers and a bottle of whiskey.

Aunt: Alright let’s have a look here.

Aunt Patty takes Misty by the hips and turns her.

Mary Jo: Oh my (she says after looking at Misty’s butt as she covers her mouth and starts to laugh).

Aunt Patty examines Misty’s buns. Stands up and shakes her head.

Aunt: Ok. Stick it out.

Misty looks back, confused but pokes her butt out a little more.

Aunt: Farther.

Misty looks over her shoulder even more confused, pops her butt out a little more. She sees Aunt Patty wearing the thick glasses then turns to look at Mary Jo and asks her about the glasses by mouthing the words hoping only Mary Jo will notice. Mary Jo does
notice and comes up closer unable to understand Misty. Misty tries to gesture a question about why Aunt Patty’s glasses are so thick.

Aunt: Farther!

Misty tries hard to push her butt out further.

Aunt: Granny Milford got ya with both Barrels, alright. Okay. Relax.

Aunt Patty gives her a paw type swat on the butt which causes Misty to jump up straight, grab her cheeks and let out a gravely screech. “OW”.

Aunt Patty picks up the bottle of whiskey and takes a swig.

Misty: Ow that hurt.

Aunt: I bet. Look at them butt cheeks.

Mary Jo: Wow. Ole’ granny got ya right where ya sit. There ain’t no pellets anywhere but in your derriere.

Aunt Patty & Mary Jo continue to examine Misty’s rear end.

Aunt: Okay, girl, go on and hop up on the table.

Misty gets up on the table. She lies down on her belly but is up on her elbows with her back arched and her butt sticking up. She groans from the pain.

Misty winces and wiggles her way onto the table.

Misty: I know the tweezers are for picking the pellets out of me but what’s the whiskey for?

Aunt: The whiskey, why that’s to help steady my nerves.

Aunt Patty takes another swig from the bottle.

Misty: Could I get a little of that? I could use some help steadying my nerves.

Aunt: Sure can.

Aunt Patty swirls the whiskey around the bottle, takes another gulp then splashes it on Misty’s buns. Mary Jo steps back and bites her nails.

Misty’s eyes get big as she tenses up and grabs hold to the edge of the table. She doesn’t make a sound, she just begins to twist and contort and wiggle about as her face expresses painful screams and yelling without a sound. All through this wriggling Aunt Patty
caps the whiskey and nods her head peacefully like she understands the pain. Mary Jo covers her ears.

Misty takes a big gulp of air and yells, “OOOOOW!! Holy Shit! Christ. Dear Christ it burns. God Damn it, Ow. Jesus my ass. Jesus Christ”. Misty gets control of her wiggling but continues to groan and pretends to weep.

Mary Jo: You just said a whole lotta bad words.

Aunt: Now I know you just gave a bit of sting in your tail there but go easy on the harsh language. I’ll have no blaspheming in this house. Misty seems to be a little tired and a little exasperated.

Misty: Fine, can we just get this over with.

Mary Jo snorts and points at Misty’s rear.

Mary Jo: Sting in the tail, get it?

Misty gives Mary Jo a withering stare. Mary Jo becomes serious immediately.

Aunt: Mary Jo, hand me those tweezers and that sauce pan.

Mary Jo obliges.

Aunt Patty starts to examine again to find where to start. Misty is up on her elbows arching her back with her butt sticking up and her toes curled under her feet.

Aunt: Hold still.

Misty winces then lets out a yelp. A moment later you hear a metal pellet klink into the sauce pan. Mary Jo looks on like she’s thinking ‘that looks like it hurts’. Mary Jo starts to walk around to face Misty. Removing the pellets becomes repetitive – after
briefly examining Misty’s bum, Aunt Patty reaches with the tweezers and says, “Hold still.” Misty follows with a wince and a yelp of pain. Then the klink of the pellet into the sauce pan.

Mary Jo gestures to Misty as she whispers: She’s plucking the pellets out of your butt.

Exasperated Misty says: Yes I know.

Every so often Misty turns and looks back over her shoulder only to turn back and shake her head and says something like “Oooooo, m’rear end is killin’ me.”

Misty gets a double butt load of pellets picked out of her rump while Mary Jo goes between pity for her friend and laughter at the situation. Aunt Patty just has a little fun at Misty’s expense, plucking away and making sassy comments.

A week later Misty stops by Aunt Patty’s house to visit Mary Jo. Misty is dressed in the same sexy hillbilly outfit – not cut-off jeans but tiny little spandex shorts. Mary Jo is dressed the same as before except she isn’t wearing any shorts but has on a tiny g-string. Mary Jo is barefoot. Misty can have flipflops or be barefoot.

Misty: Hey Mary Jo.

Mary Jo: Hey Misty.

Misty: It’s good that you ain’t grounded any more.

Mary Jo: Yeah, Aunt Patty wasn’t real happy that I told fibs about Granny Milford being blind & deaf. That and she wasn’t none happy about me givin’ you directions on how to get into the peach orchard.

Misty: Well I got grounded too but my parents weren’t too hard on me on account a gettin’ shot in the butt and all. They knew I was in a lot of pain.

Mary Jo: So how is it?

Misty: What?

Mary Jo: Your butt?

Mary Jo giggles and points.

Misty: Oh, not bad. It’s healin’ up pretty good.

Misty turns and pulls her shorts up and you can see some pink dots on her butt.

Mary Jo: Well that looks a lot better than a week ago.

Misty tries to sit but it hurts too much and she has to stand back up cupping a butt cheek as she winces in pain.

Misty: Still hurts too... Still can’t...nope still hurts too much to sit down.

Mary Jo has a laugh.

Mary Jo: I ain’t doin’ much better. My Auntie was so cross with me she whipped my tail every day I was grounded. Look. I can’t even wear shorts.

Mary Jo turns around, bends over and puts her hands on her knees to show a blushing red rear end.

Misty bursts out laughing.

Misty: Oh that looks sore. That looks like it really hurts.

Mary Jo: I had to sleep on my belly.

Mary Jo stands up and walks over to a chair with a fluffy pillow.

Mary Jo: And I got this so I can sit down to eat.

Mary Jo tries to sit on the fluffy pillow but winces and has to ease back up holding onto one of her butt cheeks. When she gets back to standing she rubs her rear end.

Mary Jo: But I still can’t sit. Ho my ass. Feels like a bad sun burn.

Misty laughs at Mary Jo and Mary Jo smiles.

Misty: Well I guess we ain’t gonna hang out by the cheve today.

Mary Jo: No, not till I can pull a pair of shorts on over these buns.

Misty: Did they take your phone away?

Mary Jo: Yup. You?

Misty: Yup. Did you get it back?

Mary Jo smirks.

Mary Jo: Yup.

Misty takes a cell phone out of her pocket.

The two girls go over to the counter or table where Mary Jo left her phone. As they walk over Mary Jo hobbles a bit and rubs her butt and says, “Ow, my tushy really smarts.”

Misty: Let me have a look.

Mary Jo stops and leans over for Misty to get a better looks. Misty gets a quick look and then smacks her on the butt. Mary Jo jumps and dances about rubbing her bottom.

Mary Jo: Oh you jerk.

Misty: I’m just getting you back for...well...everything.

Mary Jo: Fair enough.

The girls then go to the table lean over resting on their bellies and elbows with their butts sticking up in the air. They both go on their cell phones and drift away.

Then Aunt Patty comes into the room sweeping the kitchen with her broom. She goes around the girls a few times who are just tapping away on their phones. In a few moments, Aunt Patty is finished and leaves the room. The two girls are still leaning over the table
or counter with their butts in the air. Aunt Patty springs back into the room with the dust pan and give each girl a good smack on the butt. The girls scream and jump up, then dance about rubbing their sore bottoms.